The Bees Knees

I remember taking walks many years ago when I dated David C.  He lived in a beautiful part of Maryland, lots of fields and rolling hills.  It was those damn rolling hills that got to me.  He gently suggested that losing weight would help my knees in the future.  I was keeping up with him, how dare he?

Well, the future is here and it is killing my knees.

My first clue that I was in trouble came after Dottie and I had taken a day trip to the beach.  When we got to my apartment, we groaned as we hauled our butts out of the car.  There was a cheerful kid across the street who called to us, "Hi ladies!!  Did you have a long drive? 'Cause you sound just like my grandma when she gets out of the car after a long trip." We exchanged glances that silently promised we'd never groan again while getting out or up.  Grandmas??  Yuck.

I can't enjoy the ocean like I used to.  I had once spent hours in the water riding the waves.  Now I stand on the edge and let the water slap at my feet.  I tried to go in the ocean last summer when it seemed relatively calm.  It only took a tiny wave to slap at my knees and knock me over.  Every time I tried to get up, another baby wave would push me down.  Finally, some lady offered me her arm.  She helped me up, and that was it for swimming in the ocean.  Talk about a sad day....

When I get up in the morning, my gait resembles that of an old-timer in the television show The Real McCoys. If you're old enough to remember Grandpappy Amos the head of the clan, then your knees probably hurt too.

I am not alone.  Gatherings with friends include reports on the state of their knees.  Some wear elastic braces.  Some get cortisone shots.  Some even use a walking stick on occasion (no canes for us, by gummy).  An increasing number of my friends have had replacement surgery.   One knee? Both knees? Partial? Full replacement? Titanium?  These are the buzz words of our conversations. I dread the surgery.  I had a plate put on my ankle in 2007 when I broke my leg.  The pain after the surgery was intense.  One of the nurses tried to calm me by telling me bone pain is the worst.  Well, my knees are knobby and bony and the only part of my body without an ounce of extra padding.  Surgery????  Oh, it makes me shudder.

There are a group of people who control pain by letting bees sting them.  Sorry, but the bees knees approach doesn't do it for me.  I'd like to try acupuncture; can anybody recommend someone good?  I am working on losing weight, but my favorite form of exercise is Zumba.  Last night's class involved more jumping than usual, and as a result, I'm in too much pain to go to Hip Hop Zumba tonight. What's a gal to do?

If you're young enough to read this and shake your head over what an old fogey I've become, then listen to your elder and take David's advice.  Lose weight if necessary.  Limit your participation in sports or fitness programs that pound your knees and dissolve the cartilage. And pray to high heaven that knee replacement surgery will have come a long way before you need it.

Growing old is not for sissies.