Craigslist

The first time I heard about anyone actually using Craigslist was when my friend Nancy moved and sold some furniture.  I was feeling kind of bored tonight, so I decided to peruse the ads.  Turns out, Craigslist is much more than a furniture store.

I checked out the personal ads.  Deciding to play it safe, I went to "platonic only."  There is a whole other world and a language I don't understand going on out there.  And I'll bet a lot of you readers are unaware of that world.  So, for your entertainment, let me share a few of the goodies I found.

ws/gs - m4w

familiar with ws/gs? It's been a while since I've 'been watered'. Wanting to find someone interested in exploring .
me: wm, professional, 54, 5'10", 180.

I have absolutely no idea what this means.  I'm guessing it is something sexual. But since it was in the platonic section, maybe it is just about gardening.

open minded - w4m - 24 (maryland)

Hello I am a 24 year old female in search of a male either White or Spanish, between the ages of 20 - 30, I am not looking for any weirdos ( i know thats asking for a lot on here), no married men, and most of all DD free. Its actually a story behind what Im looking for and some might think this is a little odd request but if you are an opened minded guy and wanna find out ......respond

Now we're getting somewhere.  Sorta.  But, what is DD?  Darling Daughter? Dungeons and Dragons? Dippity Do? Whatever it is, you must not be a weirdo and not have DD in order to answer this weirdo's ad.  And then, all you'll get is a story.  Seems to me this ad writer would do better by blogging.

Need a Pharmacists - 32 (Baltimore )

Im looking for a Pharmacists Who is currently employed Please reply if so Its an emergency

OK, here's one I get.  This must be code for a drug dealer.  But why must said dealer be employed?  And employed at what? Why would it matter if your drug dealer worked at Mickey D's?  He is employed - he's a drug dealer.  What more do you want?

just looking for someone to talk to... - w4m - 24 (baltimore)

Just looking for someone to talk to on this holiday weekend while my husband and I are going through some things...

LOL  Now, this person has the right idea!  Shrinks are around $100/hour.  So, this Craigslister will probably get excellent advice from someone who has a degree in Dr. Phil or Maury.  Or heck, maybe this one is sexual too.

 

board come to my place in pa - m4w - 45 (red lion )

 want a female to come over give me some company hang out to fall off to do something else too . I'll even make dinner for you . send me your picture please be serious

 

Ah, this one seems nice.  Obviously, the guy doesn't want to spend the evening reading because his spelling and sentence structure indicate he's never read a book in his life.  I'm not sure why he wants someone to "fall off" unless he's referring to falling off that erect penis he included in a picture with the ad. Yea right, he's going to make someone dinner.  More likely, he'll chain them to the metal cot in the soundproof room hidden in his basement.  And then he'll turn them into dinner!  Ugh.

 

 

I have come to the conclusion that if these are the "platonic" ads, I'm afraid to go anywhere near the boy-meets-girl ads.  To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure I want to sell furniture on Craigslist.  For all I know, advertising a rocking chair might be code for something that could get me arrested.

 

The Bees Knees

I remember taking walks many years ago when I dated David C.  He lived in a beautiful part of Maryland, lots of fields and rolling hills.  It was those damn rolling hills that got to me.  He gently suggested that losing weight would help my knees in the future.  I was keeping up with him, how dare he?

Well, the future is here and it is killing my knees.

My first clue that I was in trouble came after Dottie and I had taken a day trip to the beach.  When we got to my apartment, we groaned as we hauled our butts out of the car.  There was a cheerful kid across the street who called to us, "Hi ladies!!  Did you have a long drive? 'Cause you sound just like my grandma when she gets out of the car after a long trip." We exchanged glances that silently promised we'd never groan again while getting out or up.  Grandmas??  Yuck.

I can't enjoy the ocean like I used to.  I had once spent hours in the water riding the waves.  Now I stand on the edge and let the water slap at my feet.  I tried to go in the ocean last summer when it seemed relatively calm.  It only took a tiny wave to slap at my knees and knock me over.  Every time I tried to get up, another baby wave would push me down.  Finally, some lady offered me her arm.  She helped me up, and that was it for swimming in the ocean.  Talk about a sad day....

When I get up in the morning, my gait resembles that of an old-timer in the television show The Real McCoys. If you're old enough to remember Grandpappy Amos the head of the clan, then your knees probably hurt too.

I am not alone.  Gatherings with friends include reports on the state of their knees.  Some wear elastic braces.  Some get cortisone shots.  Some even use a walking stick on occasion (no canes for us, by gummy).  An increasing number of my friends have had replacement surgery.   One knee? Both knees? Partial? Full replacement? Titanium?  These are the buzz words of our conversations. I dread the surgery.  I had a plate put on my ankle in 2007 when I broke my leg.  The pain after the surgery was intense.  One of the nurses tried to calm me by telling me bone pain is the worst.  Well, my knees are knobby and bony and the only part of my body without an ounce of extra padding.  Surgery????  Oh, it makes me shudder.

There are a group of people who control pain by letting bees sting them.  Sorry, but the bees knees approach doesn't do it for me.  I'd like to try acupuncture; can anybody recommend someone good?  I am working on losing weight, but my favorite form of exercise is Zumba.  Last night's class involved more jumping than usual, and as a result, I'm in too much pain to go to Hip Hop Zumba tonight. What's a gal to do?

If you're young enough to read this and shake your head over what an old fogey I've become, then listen to your elder and take David's advice.  Lose weight if necessary.  Limit your participation in sports or fitness programs that pound your knees and dissolve the cartilage. And pray to high heaven that knee replacement surgery will have come a long way before you need it.

Growing old is not for sissies.

Things to Do Before the Cicadas Wake Up

I remember the last cicada invasion.  You could not get away from them.  I was constantly swatting at them as I walked from my house to the car.  Once at a flea market, a cicada landed on my shirt, and I could not get him to loosen his grip.  About a second before I was set to rip off my shirt in front of a bunch of strangers, a man pulled it off me.  My dog loved to eat them which was downright creepy.  She'd chase them all over the yard and chomp down.  When she'd answer nature's call, sometimes there were complete cicada skeletons in the poo, and always, always there were those red beady eyes staring up at me.

Since they are due to resurface this month, I've made a list of Things to Do Before the Cicadas Wake Up.  If you're squeamish about bugs, you might want to make your own list before it's too late.

1. Read Outside As Often As Possible:  I like to set up my chair on the lawn and under my tree.  It is the most peaceful place to read.  Today I read Amanda Knox's memoir.  It was a riveting story, and I didn't fall asleep once in my chair. I will not be able to read or nap if I have to swat at cicadas all day.
2. Hang My Wash Out:  I love to hang the laundry outside.  It smells so good and sunshine brightens it far more than bleach.  I won't hang it out after the cicadas show up.  I mean, really, who could sleep in sheets that have been sullied by the cicadas' wild mating season?  Who could wear a shirt that may show specks of cicada poo?  Not me!
3. Trim The Bushes and Trees of Dead Branches:  Need I explain this one?  Holding a chain saw and swatting at cicadas sounds like a Blue Cross/Blue Shield claim waiting to happen.
4. Attend Sarah and John's Wedding: Yes, I want them married before the cicadas start swarming.

It's a short list, but honestly, I don't have a lot of time.  They're due here in a matter of weeks.  However, this year unlike the last time, I have a secret weapon.  It's cruel and PETA may come after me because of it.  But, I have one of those electric bug swatters.  They look like badminton raquets; but with a new battery, they have an electric fence effect.  Bang!  Hit the cicada, listen to the sizzle,  and it's bye-bye beady eyes.  Quite frankly, it won't break my heart if I get a few stink bugs at the same time.

My Godgirl's Getting Married

My Godgirl's getting married next week.  I find it so hard to believe that this child is really truly a grown woman.  It seems like yesterday that I sat at Vancherie's with her parents when they asked me to be one of her Godmothers.  Sarah has two Godmothers, Aunt Dawn and me; that's how much love there is to go around.  There's never been an ounce of jealousy between us, just a family bond that's grown stronger and stronger as we've watched our child grow.

Sarah was the prettiest baby I'd ever seen.  And that's not prejudice on my part, as many other people frequently commented on her kiss-shaped mouth and her dark shiny eyes. She was often my model in the old days when I thought I had a future as a photographer.  Some of my favorite pictures of her were taken the day she romped with my dog, Lucy.  She wore the blue dress I'd brought her from my trip to Indonesia as she flew around the yard playing with my dog, her pigtails flapping in her whirlwind.  She wore big red glasses then, which I thought were adorable.  However, that day she complained to me that she was ugly.  In fact, she said that I was prettier than she, so I realized how seriously in the dumps she was.  Sarah outgrew the feeling of being ugly, but she has never became a diva despite the fact that she is a striking beauty within and without.

My Sarah was not a perfect child, heck no.  She made me crazy that she never properly thanked people (me!) for gifts.  So one year, I decided the girl needed an etiquette book and I gave her one as a birthday present.  It was Grover's Guide to Good Manners.  She laughs about it to this day; but she writes gracious thank you notes.  Godmother duty done.

Sarah always enjoyed doing things with her mom, her gram, her family, and me.  One of my favorite evenings ever was when the four of us (Gram, Dee, me, and Sarah) went to St. Maryanne's Episcopal Church for an evening of Zydeco.  She outdanced the three of us.  Keeping up with her kept us young!  Father Rory will attest to that fact as he rode the rides with her every year at the Havre de Grace Carnival. Dee and I first took her to the beach when she was three.  She took to the water and the sand immediately.  She has always enjoyed family time, and we adults in her life have always treasured that quality in her.

I was concerned when I realized that Sarah would be in my seventh grade language arts class.  I was afraid for her, worried that her classmates would be nasty to her if they perceived her as getting preferential treatment.  It was a wonderful school year!  Sarah's class was one of the smartest, nicest, most generous, and most caring group of young people I'd ever taught.  In fact, by the end of the year, some of the kids were calling me Aunt Ms. Snyder.  I had no problem with Sarah; but oh, her father gave me a fit the quarter she earned a B.  I don't think he ever forgave me.

Sarah's boyfriends were always a part of her family life.  They called me Aunt Barb, too.  I have liked all of her boyfriends.  However, the night I met John, I knew he would be the one.

Dee had a group of "the kids" over one evening for beer, snacks, and board games.  John was shy, but he called me Aunt Barb from the start and I liked that quality in him right away.  As we played Apples to Apples, John and I kept giving similar answers.  We were on the same wavelength.  That did it for me.  An evening of laughter and beer, a goodbye bear hug from him, and I knew I was in love! 

So here we are now.  Preparing for a wedding next week.  Sarah is very worried because the cicadas are due to make their debut right around the day of their nuptials. Of course, the wedding and reception are outdoors.  However, when I talked to her mom this morning, Dee put this phenomena into perspective.  She told me that she remembered bringing Sarah home all those years ago, and the cicadas were singing their tune as she carried Sarah into her new home.  Dee felt like the music was a concert for her daughter.  Looks like there will be similar music again next Saturday.  But, to Dee, that sound will be the circle of life, nature's celebration for this special child.  What a great way to view the cicada invasion!

Congratulations to Sarah and John!  May their life together be blessed with joy, optimism, and family.  Aunt Barb loves you both.

Teacher Appreciation Week

I am a retired middle school teacher.  For thirty years I worked in what is considered in my county to be a Route 40 school, or in other words, a rough school.  I loved my job. Well, maybe not every day; and if I'm truthful there was one full year that I'd have given anything to be anywhere else.  But in retrospect, I loved my school, the teachers in the trenches, the kids I taught, and I'm proud of the job I did.  Not every student liked me.  I was often overtired and overstressed, so maybe there were a few too many days I was overcranky. Not every parent trusted me.  And frankly, there were quite a few of them who could not have withstood the scrutiny through which they put me.  Despite the mistakes I made (because, even though teachers are supposed to be perfect, I was far from it), I worked hard to do my best and prepare my students for their futures.  I took great pride in my job.

That's why, every time I read something that starts with "those teachers" I see red.

Too often, the general public speaks in generalities when they talk about teachers.  Those teachers in (name your school) don't care about the kids.  All those teachers do is sit on their butts and tell kids to open a book.  Those teachers are so greedy, always asking for more money.  Those teachers have it so easy; they only work nine months a year and get paid for twelve. Those teachers have it so easy; they close schools and don't work when it even threatens to snow.  Those teachers wouldn't just give Johnny the points he needed to get straight A's so he can go to college.  Those teachers....I could go on, but I feel my blood pressure rising to a dangerous level.

I get really upset every year when it is salary negotiation time.  Unfortunately, teacher salaries are negotiated in public, and everybody has an opinion about them.  Letters to the editor where teachers try to explain to the public the multi-tasking and the overtime that goes into their jobs, or the contractual promises that are being completely ignored are often answered with the  most bitter responses. Usually teachers are told to feel lucky they have a job. (Lucky? Ok, you spend all week guiding 170 seventh graders to do what they don't want to do.  Then, tell me how lucky I was.  That is, if you survive the week.) Or, they are told they are whining.  Seriously? Whining? Their binding contracts are regularly being treated as suggestions rather than the legal documents they are! 

But what upsets me the most is the silence on the part of the Board of Education during this crucial time.  Why are the teachers the only ones trying to reach out and educate the public about the realities of the job and the salary?  Why is the BoE not actively soliciting the public to support the teachers?   Why isn't the BoE flooding the media with reports of the excellent work done by the teachers? Why doesn't the BoE respond to the viciousness aimed at teachers during this process?  Why indeed?

My personal opinion is that the BoE really doesn't care about its teachers.  And that transfers to its not really caring about the students in this county.  Keeping the public angry at those greedy teachers certainly focuses the attention to anything but them, their budget, and any mismanagement of the funds entrusted by the public to the school system.  When has there been a line-by-line examination of the budget and documented suggestions for budget cuts other than teacher salaries?  Can we say together, NEVER.  It is in the best interest of all to have a salary and benefits program to entice the best teachers to our county.  Why isn't the BoE concerned that too many of them are going elsewhere? 

So, here it is folks, Teacher Appreciation Week.  Should you wish to celebrate it, may I make a few suggestions that will truly be appreciated?  Think twice before griping to the other soccer moms about those teachers. Send a note to your child's teacher(s) thanking them for their efforts and maybe mentioning something specific the teacher did to help your child.  Don't worry about buying the teacher a trinket.  I still have the notes written to me, but many of the trinkets have disappeared over the years.

Most importantly, I ask you to support the meager raises teachers negotiate each year.  Yes, I know you're a taxpayer and in this economy, you feel like you can't afford to give them their due.  Remember though, teachers sometimes spend more time with your kids than you do.  So treat them well. You'll be glad you did.