First World Problems

After reading my last blog, my friend Anne commented that I had written about First World Problems. I don’t think that thinly disguised racism or weather reports that terrify small children count as First World Problems, but I do feel like a mini-expert in that field so I decided today to share the wealth of my knowledge with you, my dear readers.

　
If you are unfamiliar with the term First World Problems, it refers to a “problem” that only someone in America with no real problems (or perspective) could have. Such problems often involve eye rolling by the audience forced to listen to the person’s complaints. Usually, the person whining has no idea that the recipient of said whine would rather be walking barefooted on a rocky beach instead of listening to the drama queen/king going on and on. First World Problems sometimes involve narcissism, sometimes not. If you personally relate to a problem, you’d probably prefer to think of the universality of the issue rather than the selfishness of the complainer.

　
I am currently exasperated by a few First World Problems (referred to from now on as FWP). My internet went out four hours ago and has yet to be restored. Therefore, I cannot check my email, get beaten in Words with Friends by Debbie Cullum (who is really her sneaky husband Bart), stay stuck on Level 65 of Candy Crush, or any of the other things that keep me occupied throughout the day. I am, like, so totally, irritated. If I call my provider, I’ll be on the phone for an hour with “Peggy” who will eventually give up and set up an appointment for a service call. I will get anywhere between five to eight calls from the company telling me my service has been restored and do I want to cancel the service call. I will cancel the call five or eight times, and yet the technician will never get the message, so I will not get to sleep late tomorrow because robocall will start bugging me at 7:00 am and I’ll have to dress before he shows up around lunchtime. Have you rolled your eyes yet? Perhaps they have glazed over. Yep, it’s a FWP.

　
It is getting close to dinner, and I am in a quandary about what to do. My swim club is having its first cookout, and as much as I’d like to go, I didn’t RSVP. That’s not too big of a problem, as long as I bring a side dish and a few bucks, I’m welcome. But, do I really want to go if any of the three big families (10+ people per family) are there? Do those people bring one side dish to represent twelve people when single old me is also bringing one dish? That’s certainly not fair! And soooo irritating! Will there be enough for everybody or will those vulture children get all the food before anyone else? Will there even be a place for me to sit with that crowd of kids circling the barbeque pit? This is a real problem because it is almost dinnertime and a girl’s gotta eat. What to do? What to do? First World enough for you?

　
FWP: Complaining about eating too much at Thanksgiving (or Christmas, Easter, Halloween or just plain Wednesday). Woe is poor, poor you. You have too much food and make yourself feel uncomfortable when eating it. There are people starving in the world, and we Americans love to complain about too much food and how irresistible it is. Smh (This means shaking my head in computer talk.)

　
FWP: Getting angrier and angrier as you’re stuck in a traffic jam on your way to the beach. Hey, you’re not working - you are going to the beach! Enjoy!

　
FWP: You are sick and tired of people misspelling your name. Britney, Briteny, Brittany, Brittaney, Britaney - seriously? How can anyone remember which way you spell it? Be happy people care enough to remember your name.

　
FWP: Three of your favorite programs are on at the same time. You can DVR one and watch one, so what happens to the third? Darn those TV stations for having the nerve to schedule all of your favorite programs at the same time!

　
FWP: Your pants are getting tight because you’ve been enjoying so many restaurant meals and glasses of fine wine. Darn those restaurants for making their portions so big! (This one’s for you Larry.)

　
Do you get the picture? Do you suffer from FWPitis? If so, it’s time to take a serious look at the issues that are driving you crazy. And to start laughing at some of them, instead of boiling over in rage. Life will seem a whole lot better if you can take the bad with the good and roll with the punches. However, as desperately as I feel the need to enlighten you with my opinion, it could be a while before I get to share my infinite wisdom with you. It’s been six thirty hours now and my internet still isn’t working! I have about had it with Verizon. This is America; there’s no excuse for such shoddy service!  *&X#@#!