Fear Not Lest Ye Be Judged

Recently, someone paid me a compliment by telling me she admired my strength and she bet I was afraid of nothing.  I was struck dumb by that because, to tell the truth, I'm afraid of all kinds of things.  While I try not to let fear cripple my life, it is probably the reason I have trouble sleeping at night.  Fear translates into worry, and we already know that I worry too much.  So, what do I fear?

I fear phone calls after 9:00 pm (except from Dee because she never has any idea what time it is).  This is, no doubt, an irrational fear because the worst calls of my life usually came in broad daylight. My father's doctor called me around 11:00 am to tell me my dad had been admitted to the hospital for his first heart attack (my mother and sister were away on a cruise).  My sister called me around 1:00 pm to tell me to head home, NOW, as my father had taken a bad turn.  When I taught, some of my former students were trying to torture me with prank calls, but they usually came between 4 and 7.  My usual nighttime calls are harmless, like the fax machine determined to connect to my non-existent fax machine.  Or a drunk misdialing a booty call.  So why am I terrified of night calls?  Maybe because they break the silence and startle me?  Maybe because the movies have convinced me that these calls are from a serial killer who is hiding in the upstairs bedroom (and I don't even have an upstairs).  Calls from my sister are the worst - I'm sure she's calling to inform me of the latest disaster decimating our remaining family.  Really, I need to remember she works two jobs and her calls will come at odd times.

I am afraid of any physical symptoms that resemble cancer.  Have you read the list of cancer symptoms?  Fatigue.  Body pains.  Skin abnormalities.  Fingernail abnormalities. Difficulty swallowing.  And so on.  How long should I observe said symptoms before going to the doctor?  What happens if said symptoms just go away on their own?  Am I ultimately going to blame myself for some fatal illness?  It doesn't help that I am afraid to go to the doctor and the dentist. 

I am afraid of driving sometimes.  Is it just me, or have drivers become more dangerous, reckless, and inattentive over the years?  I can't tell you how many times I've braced myself to be hit because I had the audacity to actually stop at a yellow light.  I have been cut off by people talking while holding the phone in one hand and gesturing with the other.  What is steering their car? (I'm afraid to ask.)  I am afraid of running out of gas or the car overheating during a traffic jam.  I am afraid of pulling out of parking lot spaces because I can't twist my neck enough to make sure no car is speeding down the road behind me.

I am afraid of big, unexpected household expenses.  A few years ago a plumbing problem cost me close to $3000.  My air conditioning system is on its last legs.  On top of my expenses are the ones I help my family with.  For many reasons, I have not saved much money since retiring.  I am blessed to have my needs met, but I fear what could happen with an expensive emergency.  I guess a lot of Americans fear money disasters (especially those who watch Faux news - they thrive on fear).

I fear going to Weight Watchers because the five pounds I lost two weeks ago found me again.  Oh, how I fear that look of disappointment on Joyce's face. 

I fear any change in my dog's normal behavior because I fear losing her.

I fear being alone, yet I fear dating someone from a website even more.

I fear crowds of people. 

I fear passing gas in public, even though that might gain me some space in that fearful crowd of people.  (Ha ha Larry - I threw that one in for you.)

I fear long flights, the aggravation of airport security measures, and putting my carry-on luggage into a bin so far over my head there's no way I can reach it by myself.

I fear guns and too many of the people who smugly feel entitled to own their personal arsenal. I especially fear the bozos who believe it is their "God-given right" to own them.  I read/watch the news.  That's a fear I am entitled to have.

I fear I will never again find a home church and God will be pissed off with me for being she of such weak faith.

So there.  I have bared my soul; seems my desire to write is stronger than my fear of exposing the inner me.  I hope the person who admired my strength isn't too disappointed to realize that I am the same bowl of jelly as she and many others are.