I remember being a young person who could hold a mighty grudge. I took pride in how long I could give someone the silent treatment. I relished in the uncomfortable moments when our paths crossed. I could sneer and cold shoulder with the best of them. My anger and indignation made me feel powerful.
I'm glad those days are long over.
Truly, anger and umbrage to the degree I would experience it, might have made the other person squirm, but it really made me suffer. There was a time when forgiveness equated weakness in my world. I wasn't about to forgive and reveal a weakness.
I'm glad those days are long over.
I am so much more peaceful since I reached Club 60. I realize that people make mistakes. I admit that I can really screw up. But, the idea of holding onto a hurt, of letting it fester and burn, is harmful only to me. I forgive people and move on. I hope they forgive me.
Those who know me are probably thinking, oh no you don't girl. You practically spit every time the names B.B. or J.Y. come up in a conversation. True. You are right. Did I mention that I'm not perfect? Both of those people are manipulative and mean. They enjoy hurting and cheating others. I have no respect for them. No use for them. But do I sit around plotting revenge? Do I concoct plans to see them fall? No, I have let them go. That is the best I can do and I am ok with it. Maybe I am fooling myself or playing with semantics when I say I no longer hold a grudge against them. I consider them toxic people whom I have gladly remove from my life. Grudge or sanity saver? You can decide. I'm over it.
Right now someone is angry with me. She has figuratively given me the cold shoulder, the silent treatment. She not only unfriended me on Facebook, she blocked me. That blocking business is serious stuff. Obviously, I cannot contact her. I can't even see anything she writes to our mutual friends. I cannot repair what has happened between us. If I am honest, I am not exactly sure what really happened. Sigh. I can only wait.
I hope I don't have to wait too long. We're sixty. Life is way too short to live it without friends, without forgiveness.
"To err is human, to forgive, divine.”
― Alexander Pope, An Essay on Criticism
I avoid toxic people. I do not think this is holding a grudge or not forgiving. It's just healthy. Turning 60 makes us realize many things. It took a long time to reach 60 so hopefully I have learned to be a better person by now.
ReplyDeleteYou are good people, Larry.
DeleteBarb, I understand this all too well. When I was much younger, I had the attitude, I don't get mad, I get even. Now I get mad and try very very hard to get over it. I haven't learned the skill of forgetting. My skill of forgiving is selective. I think the forgetting and forgiving depends on how deep the hurt was/is. Most things just aren't worth the energy to perpetuate. Forgetting and forgiving is much easier. Yes, I am flawed.
ReplyDeleteYou hit it on the nose with the energy it takes to perpetuate a grudge. I'm old. I have just so much energy to give. Gotta be selective. ;-)
DeletePerhaps all we can forgive is ourselves for allowing the hurt to consume us.
ReplyDeleteThere is an old story about two monks who arrive at water's edge only to find a woman there, anxious about making the crossing. One monk offers to carry the woman to the other side and she is very grateful for the help. A mile down the road, he notes that his friend has been strangely silent - is there a reason for this? The second monk bursts forth with indignation - monks are not permitted to touch any female - he has dishonored himself and their monastery! "Perhaps I was wrong to help her cross the water", he replies, "but you're still carrying her." Very often, what we need to forgive is our own actions as much as those who have acted against us.
One thought about your Facebook friend - nothing damaged can be repaired if it is hidden away. If she wanted to repair the friendship, she'd contact you or at least allow you to contact her. That she makes this impossible suggests that she doesn't want to acknowledge any responsibility for her part in whatever happened.
Remember the good times, and let her (and the friendship) go. Too many people find you funny and interesting, and enjoy spending time with you; why spend time on one who does not?
Thanks, Anonymous. I appreciate your thoughtful response.
ReplyDelete