You probably don't want to read this, but I need to say it.

 Because I can't stop my thoughts, maybe expressing them will help me let go and relax. Don't read if you're not old; I don't think you'll get it.

A lot is on my mind. I can overthink anything. 

I am an empath, and that can be good or bad. Lately, it's been tough. So many of my friends have been widowed in the past year or so. I ache for them because the changes in their lives are so drastic. My neighbor who lost her husband last week is a real mess. It actually gives me anxiety when I am with her because I am "gut worried" about her. She doesn't want to live. What can I say to her, except I get it. We are a very lonely society. 

I used to be sad that I never married and had my own family. However, I have had "friend-families" and my sister and kids who fill my life, so I am good. I think. I know how to do many things on my own. I enjoy my own company. And, I have filled my days with great hobbies. Lucky me? Maybe. I know as we age, we lose...people we love, health, memory, looks, bladder control. It's so hard getting old. I have noticed since the pandemic I stay more to myself. I don't go out as much. I don't answer the phone or return calls in a timely manner. I miss appointments, even though I have checked the calendar many times. I don't ask anybody for anything because I don't want to be disappointed. Yet, I disappoint myself constantly.

 I feel very depressed when I look at the mess our world, and especially our country, is in. What the hell is going on? How can anyone justify trump and the current Republican platforms as acceptable for our country? How can anyone believe that January 6 was not an attempted coup led by a fake "president" who remains unaccountable for his treasonous behavior? I will not agree to disagree; I will not stop calling people out for their despicable supremacist behavior; I will not fail to note your "I've got mine, I don't care about yours" behaviors and attitudes. I am dismayed that racial prejudice seems to have become more intense and visible in our country. No, you are not better because you are white. And don't tell me you have black friends, so you can't be a bigot. That's bull. I hate that the middle class suffers financially when the wealthy in this country don't pay the taxes that would solve so many of our problems. How do they sleep at night? Much better than I do from what I hear. 

Speaking of sleep, I can't get much. I worry more than ever. I don't know if other people my age feel this way. If I look too much at Facebook, everybody else is having the time of their lives. And, I'm not. Yet, many people who know me consider me one of the strongest and most secure persons they know. HA! Listening now to Peggy Lee, "Is that all there is?" I used to think this song was so self-serving and depressing. Now, I get it. Is it growing old? Or is it just me? I have come a long way as far as my jealousy towards others who have it better (so it seems). I am much more comfortable with myself. I know my worth. I don't hate my body, I just wish I had the strength to make it healthier. I actually like my white hair. Sorta.

As we age, I think people need religion more than ever. My faith suffers as I watch people use Christianity and the Bible as reasons to discriminate, outlaw, hate, reject, interfere in, and destroy the lives of others. The hypocrisy spewed in the name of Jesus makes me sick. I am watching this country turn into "The Handmaid's Tale" and I am appalled that women are sitting back and letting the male government destroy their healthcare and their rights to decide with a medical doctor what to do with their bodies. Nobody is promoting the involuntary vasectomy of anybody who gets an unmarried woman pregnant, how come?  Yet, those same people justify a ten-year old rape victim carrying a baby to term because it's God's will. Can you stop your insufferable Christian superiority for one moment to actually think about what you're saying? The Christian outrage over gay marriages is almost laughable as one sees all the divorced and cheating spouses who pretend to be so disgusted by same sex partnerships. Their cheating, lying, divorcing "sins" are forgivable.  I am appalled that Christians justify acts of prejudice and cruelty as Biblically appropriate. I want to smack smug Christians who look down their noses at and think they are better than anyone else because they know Jesus. Two of these devoted "Christians" actually told me after her death, that my mother went to hell because she was not a born again Christian with a relationship with Jesus. Who are you people? What gives you the right to judge so arrogantly just because you believe in Jesus? 

Life just makes me sad anymore. That's a scary thought because basically, I have a good life. I want to live a long life. But, does it have to be so freaking sad?